Saturday, August 29, 2009

So I Did It.

I threw a big old pity party for myself. It was 3:30 in the morning, I gave Chloe a bottle and she wouldn't go back to sleep. 4 rolled around. 5 rolled around. 6 rolled around. At 6:30 I lost it. I cried because she wouldn't go to sleep. I cried because she normally sleeps until 6:30 or so. I cried because I felt like I was doing everything wrong. I cried from the exhaustion of being a new parent, and from the exhaustion that accompanies a pregnancy. I cried because I'm worried about having two young babies. I cried because our support system lives millions of miles away. At that moment, I felt so alone. 

I let myself go there, and I never let myself go there. The critics in my life would say to toughen up. You made your bed, so lie in it. I could hear their voices resounding. But all I really needed was a hand on my back, and a voice calmly saying that everything would be okay. 

And of course, everything is okay.

Being a mother is a thankless job. Nothing can prepare you for the day-in and day-out grind of it all. Of course, I wouldn't trade it for anything. My sweet girl is more than worth it. I just think that sometimes you have to step back and take it all in. It is a hard job. The hardest of all jobs. And I think it's okay to acknowledge that from time to time.

But for today, I keep plugging along. I get dressed. I brush my teeth and fix my hair. And I keep moving. 

I just keep moving.

*I must add that Jason offered several times to take her this morning, but I wouldn't let him. He had a possible surgery this morning. And who wants a sleep deprived parent operating on their foot? He's a good husband.

7 comments:

Jesse and Toni Connelly said...

Dude, you don't know me but I mainly read your blog because you're honest and a lot of times your life sounds like mine.

We live near DC - a long way from any family.

About a week a go I had a total break down and cried on the kitchen floor. Thanks for letting me know I'm not the only one.

Natalie Hudkins said...

Aw Morgandi- It's been a long time since I have seen you (remember crazy Tiffany/Wes Struebing, etc.?) but I stop by your blog from time to time. Hang in there- I know it's hard, and sleep stuff is the worst! From the looks of your pictures you are doing a GREAT job. It will get easier, and eventually you won't miss the sleep...

Morgandi said...

Thank you for the comments! It's nice to know that there are people just like me, who have gone through or who are going through something similar. Makes me feel not so crazy! Feel free to leave comments anytime. Can't wait to check out your blogs!

Lea Liz said...

I think it happens to us all really. Being a mother is hard but so wonderful we just have to have our moments to get us thru each day :) Our little ones are so wroth it though aren't they??? You are going to be a great momma to two young ones :)

Michelle said...

Sometimes I feel like it is good to cry, it isn't always a bad thing and sometimes it's the only way to get rid of all those built up emotions! I cry all the time....I hate it, but doesn't it make you feel better?(and you're a good mom too!)

Mandy said...

Oh Morgi, believe me, I know how you feel! I begged Vi to just shut her eyes a little bit from 5-7 am and she would not do it!! I wish I could've been there for you! Miss you and love you lots!

OCdeanwife said...

Don't hold back the tears when they come! We all need a good breakdown sometimes. I still have them from time to time, but the sleep thing definitely makes it worse! You are an amazing mom and wife! I can't wait for you to get here so we can help out!