Sunday, September 5, 2010

So This is What They Call Balance.

Jason and I were away from home for 5 years. During the last two years, I became pregnant, had a baby girl, loved that baby girl, moved from my beloved Chicago to Cleveland, had every intention of having a second baby in the distant future, only to be surprised by another pregnancy, had another baby girl 11 months later, loved that baby girl, and I learned what it really meant to be a parent. There is no break. It is a 24 hour job. There is no weekend, no holiday, no second of the day that you are not responsible for those precious little babies. And during that time, I never spent a day or night by myself. And I kept daydreaming and sometimes dreamt about the day that we would be home, and we would have ample babysitters at our fingertips.

Well, that day is here.

The day and night that I get to spend all by my little self.

Jason took the girls to his mom's house today to spend Labor Day with his family. I would've gone, because I love being with his family, but Jason decided that it would be good for me to have a little break from my bambinos. I packed up their stuff, loaded them in the car, kissed them goodbye and cried the entire time. The thing that I had longed for all of this time was happening, and the only thing I could feel was sadness. As much as I need healthy breaks from them from time to time, my heart still aches when I'm not with them.

But I'm enjoying myself. I've done nothing by lie on the couch, catch up on Project Runway episodes, eat a Johnnies burger, organize my vitamins, eat a couple of bowls of ice cream, think about working on my flower bed, forget about working on my flower bed and sit on the couch and relax some more.

Tonight I get to sleep in my bed without a monitor. Tomorrow I get to sleep in as long as I want, wake up when I want, stay in bed as long as I want, drink a cup of coffee out on the back porch, lace up my tennis shoes, go for a run outside, and procrastinate about working on my flower bed.

While I'm savoring every single quiet moment, it doesn't mean that my heart won't be with my family, and that my daughters' faces won't consume many of my thoughts. But it does mean that I will get a break. I will come back refreshed. And I will get to spend some time just being me.

So this is balance. I never thought it would be this difficult. But it's so necessary. And as much time as I spent fantasizing about the moment when I had some time just to myself, I hate/love the fact that it's laced with a bittersweet feeling.

But in the spirit of balance, I must turn off my computer, get back to Project Runway and doing absolutely nothing. Well, as soon as I work on the darned old flower bed.

Maybe not after all.

I hope all of you have a safe and wonderful Labor Day!

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