Tuesday, November 23, 2010

If I Didn't Laugh, I Would Cry (and possibly be curled up in the corner, rocking uncontrollably)

I've learned many lessons in the past 20 months of my mothering experience. Some lessons I hold near and dear to my heart, and some I forget and inevitably relearn, only to forget and be embarrassed by them again.

Lessons I learned yesterday:

1. When you bring clothes to change into after your workout at the Y, don't forget to pack a tank top. Because here's what you packed to wear, you idiot-- A flowered, white button-up, a little too short for your long midriff, shirt. A black bra that can be seen straight through your white button-up shirt. A pair of low-rise jeans. And finally, the kicker, a pair of somewhat granny undies that stick out over the top of your low-rise jeans, which then can be seen because your shirt is a little too short to reach the top of your jeans. Don't you see how a tank top would have solved all of those problems?

2. When you go to the pediatrician's office with your babies, don't forget to bring someone with you to help OR leave one of your children at home with a sitter. You are not an octopus. You have two arms. Deciding to go straight from the Y to the doctor's office was probably not the best move I've ever made, but once they're in the car, I hate turning back only to unpack them and then put them back in the car. It's a laborious process, and if you're a mother, you understand. So I had to convince myself that I was ontrend with my fashion and we went on our way.

3. Always carry safety pins. I knew I was in for an embarrassing, yet exciting trip when I started getting the girls out of the car at the doctor's office. I overpacked the diaper bag and things were falling all over the parking lot. Then the buttons on my shirt started popping open. So now, not only could fellow patrons, nurses and their doctor see my black bra through my shirt, but they could actually see my black bra. Awesome.

4. Don't think that you'll get a word in edgewise with the nurses or the doctor. Your daughters like to talk. They talk a lot. And they like to talk over you, apparently. While the doctor was examing Stella for her nine-month well visit, she would not stop talking. She kept saying, "hi, hi, no, no, hi, hi, dada, no" uncontrollably. So while we were trying to talk over her, Chloe decided to chime into the conversation. The doctor would talk to me, and while I was trying to respond, she was trying to answer him too. And then when Dr. M and I would laugh about something, Chloe would throw her head back and fake laugh, like she was in on the joke. And then she learned that if she covered her ears and talked really loudly, it was really loud in her head. And that was really fun to try and talk over. And keep in mind, this whole time, the buttons on my shirt are flying open. There's no telling what this poor guy saw.

5. When your daughters are getting their flu vaccinations, and the nurse offers to get another nurse to help hold your babies, take her up on the offer. Me, trying to convince myself that I can handle the two of them on my own, made a rookie mistake. I knew better than this one. I decided that while Chloe was getting her shot, I would sit Stella in her carseat (which was on the floor), unbuckled. I think I even said at one point, "She won't roll out. She'll be fine in there." While Chloe was getting her shot, I hear a loud thump and crying from the floor behind me. I look down, and Stella was on the floor, flopping like a fish, screaming, in her diaper. It was pathetic and funny. But trying to be a model parent in front of the nurse, I didn't laugh. But I did pick her up and make a joke. I don't even know what the joke was, but I remember that the nurse didn't think it too funny. And then I started praying that she wouldn't report me to DHS for being such an idiot. And then I started praying that they didn't think I was a floosy because of my magically unbuttoning shirt, my underwear hanging out of my pants, and my super low-rise jeans. And then I prayed to be an octopus.

5. Don't ever think that people aren't laughing at you behind your back. Because you know they are. And sometimes they will just go ahead and laugh at you in front of your beet-red face.

6. Don't ever think that God's going to stop giving you blogging material. He just seems to keep 'em coming.


OK Chick said...

Important lessons. However, great blog material. :)
Happy Thanksgiving!

Mandy said...

Dear Morgandi, I live two minutes from you, please use me. Thanks, Mandy